Newborns who won't sleep. Toddlers who wake at five. Teenagers with schedules more crowded than yours. Double shifts, school, church commitments, aging parents. Every marriage passes through seasons where intimacy gets pushed to the bottom of a very long list, and many couples quietly assume that's simply how it has to be.
Scripture gives a different picture. Paul writes plainly to married believers:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.1 Corinthians 7:3–5
Mutual giving, not one-sided demand
Notice how carefully balanced Paul's language is. The husband belongs to the wife just as fully as the wife belongs to the husband. Neither one gets to treat the other as a means to an end. Each spouse comes to the marriage bed asking how to serve the other, which is exactly the heart Christ calls us to everywhere else in life.
That mutuality shapes how couples navigate busy seasons. A worn-out mother of a newborn and a husband working long hours both have real needs. Love means each of them asks, “What does my spouse need right now, and how can I give it?” before asking what they want for themselves.
Absence by agreement, and only for a time
Paul allows that couples may set intimacy aside for a season, but he puts guardrails around it. The pause should be agreed upon together, it should have a purpose, and it should be temporary. Drifting apart through neglect is something altogether different from choosing together to step back for a short while.
Many couples in busy seasons haven't actually agreed to anything. They've simply drifted. A simple conversation can change that: naming the season you're in, being honest about what's realistic, and deciding together how you'll protect your closeness until life slows down.
Practical ways to keep close
Guard your rest. Exhaustion is one of the quietest enemies of intimacy. Taking a task off your spouse's plate, protecting an earlier bedtime, or trading off early mornings can do more for your marriage bed than any grand gesture.
Plan instead of waiting. In busy seasons, spontaneity rarely happens on its own. Planning time together isn't unromantic. It tells your spouse they're worth making room for.
Keep small touches alive. A long hug in the kitchen, holding hands in the car, or a kiss that lasts longer than a second all keep warmth alive between busier days.
Talk about it. Many couples never discuss intimacy outside the bedroom. A few honest minutes over coffee about what's working and what isn't can prevent months of quiet frustration.
Bring it to God. Pray together for your marriage, including this part of it. The God who designed married love cares about it in every season.
Grace for the hard seasons
Some seasons bring more than busyness. Illness, grief, postpartum recovery, and pain can make intimacy difficult or impossible for a while. Giving yourselves to one another in those times may look like patience, tenderness, and simple presence. If something deeper is going on, a trusted pastor or a qualified Christian counselor can help.
The Preacher's counsel still holds in every season: “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life” (Ecclesiastes 9:9). Life will always be full. Your marriage is worth making room for anyway.
Back to the Journal